Confused.02:49 Feb 04 2010
Times Read: 542
I...don't know how to feel - less about a given situation, more about my reaction.
A friend of mines terminally ill sister passed away today. I didn't cry, couldn't hug him though I would have (phone), but ... I don't know. I don't REALLY know him, I only heard because one of my friends (well, my mums really) was over and he called her - she told us.
... Mine was the first voice, and it was deemed from what I had heard - though I obviously didn't have all the details.
My voice cracked and said. "Good".
It brought back painful memories of my Grandad fighting Cancer everyday, fighting just to lie in a bed, fighting - for nothing. He had said his goodbyes to all remaining family and friends, he had lived his life.
Now he was fighting, for the sake of it.
And he knew he wouldn't recover - but giving up isn't in our blood, it's not in our family. Never has been. 3 Generations on and we still won't give in, not even to an "impossible odds" scenario.
Then I see others, not suffering, ending it all after their goodbyes, after they cannot move - once they're truly dead.
What life is it to be bedridden? You lie there, in a bed, a week or two, maybe even a month, away from a fire or the ground, whichever takes your choice.
For all those religious people out there, there's the soul. I'm not religious.
For all those who believe in reincarnation, I do not share this belief.
For all those who believe in something after... I do not believe in this.
So why suffer?
... Allow me, to quote - every last word from a letter, of a dying man to his only grandson. The continuation of his life. his memory... i guess - his "soul".
"I never gave in to anything, not in any war, not in any scrap at school, not in any bad situation, not in any foul mood - did I give up.
And I never will.
I will always fight, because I will. I have the will to do so, and I will.
Why will I fight, why won't I stop suffering and die? Because I can fight. I can spend another day, visited by those I love.
And I will love every damn last second of it, regardless of whether I can, or cannot fight.
But I can.
And I will.
And I have.
Never stop fighting something which will hold you back.
Never."
My grandad was a wise man. in my eyes. He was a man with morals and dignity and pride.
He kept it to the last second by fighting that cancer.
But that's not to say my friend's Sister didn't.
I don't know how I should feel. I can't talk about it - not to family. nor my friends in that circle. How could I? ... I don't know. I couldn't.
No. I wouldn't.
I feel horrible. But i do think "Good" ... I really do. why? ... if she has no will to fight, or if she has already fought so much, so hard up until now, she deserves her rest. she deserves to stop suffering.
She deserved to die peacefully, rather than painfully. though it wasn't painless, would it not have been worse? I don't know, I don't know all the details.
I don't want to know them ...
But I care too much, I think... I hope... I wish ... I - ... I hope she was ... I don't know. I hope she was happy. That's the least I hope.
What is it to die sad anyway? ... a moral question ... haha. no...
It's bliss.
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